Asperger Ninja Secrets Revealed! Part the Second ~ I'm Not Perfect
I want to preface this by saying that I've gotten so many positive comments from readers that I'm a wonderful mom, that I'm doing such a great job raising Nathan, and that makes me very happy. Lord knows they let me out of the hospital without a parenting license, so I am surprised both of us have survived this long without psychiatric intervention.
But, dear Ninja folk, I am not perfect. Oh, hell to the NO. I am flawed like a faux designer purse. I may look presentable and put together, but if you pull a stitching out, I may just fall apart.
People ask me how I do it. "I don't know." I answer truthfully. I really don't. I try not to think about it, because if I do stop and ponder my reality, I say, "How the HELL do I do this every day?" I was in a coffee shop the other day, as I had a few moments to spare between appointments and I sat down with my Morning Glory muffin, which I SO did not need, and started to go through the day in my brain and I put my head in my hands and almost started crying.
The other morning, I was running late, which is a bad habit I picked up after having an aspie (insert joke here, folks!). We need to leave by 8 AM, ideally. It had started at 4:30 when Nathan came into my room complaining of a headache. I got him some ibuprofen and water and sent him back to bed. I, however, hovered near sleep until about 5:30 when I went into REM sleep overdrive. The dream brought me to my car where it was covered in 3 feet of snow, but was being shovelled out by strangers. I was transported to an art gallery where my sister had some of her art displayed, but she had "neurotypical" spelled wrong. Yes, I saw it. I wish I made that up.
This delightfully mind warping episode leads me to oversleep, which makes me rush, which in turn makes me cranky. Nathan proceeded to take his time getting out of bed, eating and brushing his teeth, which got me all in a froth.
Finally, at 7:45, I tell him I'm getting in the shower. After 60 seconds under the pitifully under pressurized water, I hear, "MAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM!!" from across the apartment. I have HAD it. I am frustrated, naked and wet. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!???" I screech.
"Where's my stylus?" he asks. "I don't KNOW!" I bark back. Two minutes later, "MAAAAAAAAWWWWWWMMMMM! Where's my Nintendo?" "Naaaaaathaaaaaaaann! I'm trying to take a showwwwwwwer!!!" I holler. I am insane. I am screaming like a 3 year old, through my grungy shower curtain, at my 7 year old.
This week we've forgotten Nathan's homework, twice. Tonight was my fault as I took it out of his backpack and didn't put it back in. Some nights I fight him to do his homework, or get him to take a bath as he hates hot water, or get him to stop building a new universe because it is 11 PM and I am exhausted. And selfish because I need sleep. He doesn't get all his fruits and vegetables. I forget to remind him to floss. He leaves his room at Defcon 4 most days and I forget to tell him to pick it up. I get very testy and short tempered during that "phase of the moon", as I attempt to deal with the tsunami of emotional upheaval, he gets most of that force of nature.
But, I can't give up. I just brush myself off, take a deep breath and try again. It's one of the most difficult things I've done, to be a single parent, never mind a single parent of a special needs child. I didn't think that I would ever be in that category. I don't think any parent does. I don't regret one moment of it, truthfully. Becoming a full parent takes all of my energy, time and resources. It drains me to the point of utter exhaustion. Yet, this lifestyle SAVEDme, and made me a better person and I am so thankful for those who have helped me on this journey.
So, I may be flawed; but I am strong, passionate, determined, aware, engaged and full of love to give to my son. As he needs me to be the best for him, and I strive to do that every single day.