Sunday, February 28, 2010

Joyous Parturition!

It is 10 PM now, the waning hours of my 38th birthday. I celebrated quietly this year. My friend Melissa (also known as Miss Missa) took me out to P.F. Chang's on Thursday afternoon for delightful noshings. Saturday I had a night of pizza & movies with my best friend, J.T.  Today, my actual birthday, I slept in until 10 AM and then puttered most of the day until Nathan came home. It was all I truly wanted, nothing over the top or fussy.

It hit me 2 weeks ago that I was headed into my late 30's. I was driving home from the bank when all of sudden, my brain said, "HOLY CRAP! I'm turning 38!!!"  I don't know why I was overwhelmed, I couldn't wrap my head around the concept that I was very close to 40.

Then I thought, "Oh crap, I probably should have had my life together by now." I was really in self deprecation mode. I started to fret that I was no good and why did it take so long for me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

My friend Melissa told me that I really have to sit down and consider what direction I want to take with my schooling . I thought I was going in the right path, but I have been second guessing myself. I am very happy that I have finally figured it out, but was really down about the fact that I feel I should have had this taken care of years ago.

I got an email from my godmother, Frances, who is affectionately known as Sis.

Happy Birthday to my gorgeous granddaughter.  It seems like only yesterday I held you in my arms on the altar of St. Ann's Church.  You were the First EVER child baptized on the altar of that church.  After Mass and the priest's blessing, the parishioners all filed to outside the church and formed lines to oooh and aaah over you.  I knew THAT day you were to grow up to be somebody special and you have not disappointed me.

I love you, sweetheart, and wish the best that life has to offer.  May you continue to enjoy good health and savor the good times.

There she is, Aunt Sis. She is 83 years old, still smart as a whip.  She has never, in my entire life, ever forgotten my birthday. She always sends me a card or calls me. After my mother died, she was truly like a second mother to me and even now, I can go to her with anything. During my divorce, she was so incredibly supportive. She tells me what an incredible job I'm doing raising Nathan.  And for her to tell me that she knew I was special and I didn't disappoint her...well, let me tell you, the tears flowed quite freely that day.

 I think about the choices that I've had to make to get here to where I am right now and I am surprised, still, by how far I have come. In a short span of time, I have come into my own, I am raising an incredible child, I have found love, passion, joy, light, laughter, own self. 
I spent a great deal of time and energy hating myself for what I used to do and who I used to be. But now, I have learned that it is part of the journey and that it does not define who you are. YOU define who you are. 
Carl Jung said, " I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."

I choose to be this person, who is fabulous. I choose to be aware, responsible, loving and encouraging to my child, my friends and others. I choose to be someone who not merely exists, but lives life fully and consciously. Carl Jung also said, "
There is no birth of consciousness without pain." Like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes of our painful destruction, only to come out brilliant and burning in our inspiring light.

And when the day comes that I'm completely slamming myself and I think that I'm just a loser, I'll remind myself to read this and to remember that I went through fire, and came out transformed. Minted into harder, finer stuff. Quirky and unusual, but fine stock indeed.


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  1. OH YES...happy birthday, my friend!