Friday, April 9, 2010

Do You Blue? 4/9/2010

I didn't think I was going to make it tonight! I have been moving and shaking all day and I got home a few minutes ago and thought, "Bed...that would be wonderful!" But, I am determined to keep this going!

I miss Nathan already. I dropped him off a few hours ago and now it hits me how lonely the house feels without him. We get to a point where we're just about to get on each other's nerves and then, we separate, and it's strangely cathartic and painful at the same time. He slathered me with extra hugs and kisses before I left, which I dutifully ate up. 

I saw some good friends this evening I have not seen in quite a while. Since coming up North almost 4 years ago, I have spent a good deal of time in seclusion, but it has been of my own doing. I needed to heal, rediscover, reinvent and recharge quite a few facets of my life. I have been slowly coming out of that shell, in small fragments. It's been difficult doing the single mother route. I won't lie. There are times when I'm so exhausted, I can't even see straight. I have days when Nathan is a virtual vacuum of energy and motivation and he has me wrapped around his finger. At night, when I can finally close my eyes, I wish that things could be a little easier for us. But then I think, nothing that is worth anything is ever easy to achieve. I keep going. There is no other option and I am glad I never give myself a choice. It's not a negative, it's very positive. It empowers me to always move forward in the face of adversity. I hope that Nathan will see my efforts and be proud of them someday. Or, at least, I pray, when he's 14 he doesn't think his mother is a loser who doesn't know anything. I can at least pray for that, can't I?

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