Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Art of Waffling

I've been gone for a few days, had some computer trouble (first with Blogger, and now with my laptop taking a dip in some Diet Coke) and am finally back with a post about me.

Nate's doing great, by the way. Communication with school has been tremendous. He is making huge improvements. We are working together to communicate better and we are seeing progress.

Stuff in my corner, however, I am still working on. I seem to have a problem, and perhaps you have it, too, where I "waffle" or go back and forth on something. This post was originally supposed to be how I have been an impediment to my own progress and how I can't get out of my own way. That I am my own bump in the road. I had this strange and surreal epiphany last Saturday.

I was driving to the ARC. It's 8:45 in the morning. I'm a little grumpy that I have to get up early on a non school day but not grumpy enough to make me not work. I was talking aloud, to myself, which I sometimes do when I'm frustrated. I was lamenting that I don't make a lot of money, and that even though Nathan and I have every thing we need, we do live on a shoe string.

 I have not completed my schooling that I set out to do 2 years ago because I felt that if I chose one path, I would some how pigeon hole myself and limit my choices for a future profession. I got mad at myself for not having a full time job and that exacerbated my frustration at not finishing my schooling because I was unable to commit to a choice. I continued to beat myself up for not being more financially secure in an already insecure financial setting due to the fact that if I had all of my proverbial shit together almost 20 years ago I wouldn't be having this out loud potentially psychotic conversation with myself. I put myself in near anxiety attack mode when it dawned on me that Nathan would graduate in 10 years and college, though not looming, is on the horizon. Kind of like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 

And I started crying in the car.

Having enough forethought to pull over, I stopped crying and started figuring out what was wrong. I knew that I was responsible for my own actions and choices. I knew that I had the power to make those choices. I wasn't making those choices and I let them become anthropomorphic and literally get in my way. I was in my own way.

I thought about how these single mothers are able to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to achieve greatness. What made them different? They didn't waffle. They didn't let this gigantic carbohydrate hydra take over their lives like I allowed mine to do. I wanted that. I wanted to taste that achievement. I knew that:

 I was preventing myself from achieving things that I wanted.

I had the power to make things happen.

All I had to do was to apply myself and make it happen.

My life is still complicated, but it doesn't mean I have to put everything I want to do on hold. I did press the pause button on some things (education, acting, other pursuits) when Nathan was smaller. He's a bit older and more flexible which leads to more options. He is still my first priority, but I can now focus more time on the Mama to ensure that our future will truly be as bright as I dream it always is.

The road there is long and it definitely won't be easy by any stretch. I have a wonderful network of friends and family who are here to help me make those goals come alive. I know I am making this sound like it's elementary, so basic, but it is. 

When Noah's son says, " Aww! That's HARD!" Noah says, "No, it's very simple."

I know that I will still be working on this for the near future. It is something that I have been wrestling with for a long time. I do not believe it will be solved overnight, but I feel, deep in my heart that now that I have acknowledged the problem I am responsible for keeping up with the solution.

I have decided to pursue my degree in Psychology. I have transferred my 20 yr old credits from my alma mater and am waiting to hear the results. I have a call into the school to do a portfolio of my life experience and turn that into credit as well. I am planning on taking classes in Winter 2011, whatever they may be. I will keep you informed of my progress. 


  1. Good for you! You RAWK! And you be awesome in whatever you do. (And just to give you a heads up, just because you major in something doesn't mean you end up doing it forever if you don't want to.)

  2. @bellebet: Thanks so much babe! And yes, part of my problem was that whole crazy mindset that if I chose one thing I would be trapped. I think J.T. said it best, "Education is never wasted". In the psych field, experience is great, but experience and education is much better. :)

  3. I always think of taking care of myself as the proverbial "oxygen mask" on the airplane of life. It is especially hard for us girls - we often seem to make our families and children the A#1 priority and sacrifice ourselves.

    I am a believer that you can only give as much happiness as you have in your heart. Going after dreams is an important component for me!

    That being said, I know lots of people who don't have formal degrees that have done amazing things and have solid careers. Intelligence, experience and talent aren't things that can be learned in a classroom.

    You are a very talented writer, I'm surprised you aren't following that path. Your words have helped me a great deal!

    Thank you and I hope you don't stop writing!!!!

  4. Ahh, yes, that is a dilemma that I've come to many times. I realize that I do need my "something to fall back on" and I know that psychology is a pretty heavy something. I am able to do alot of things with out a degree, but I will be able to do so much more with one, or at least in the pursuit of one. I work with folks now without one, and it's wonderful, challenging and soul nurturing work.

    My goal is to not be rich, but to be skilled and the best way I can do that in this field is to continue my education.

    I am not abandoning my writing. Quite the contrary! I will continue this with route and see where it takes me. I am a huge believer in listening to your heart and finding the path it wants you to take. I have done that for the past 5 years and it hasn't steered me wrong. Part of that path is this, this amazing site which has brought me to another level of personal awareness and satisfaction.

    Thank you for your words. I truly appreciate them. :)