Saturday, December 31, 2011

Opening Doors

I've been spending a good deal of time going over 2011 and what a truly amazing year I've had. It was not all unicorns and glitter (shouldn't it always be? Lol!), but it was a year of tremendous and powerful change. 

I've been reluctant to let it go. It's such a glorious feeling.  If I could bottle it up and save it, to remind myself of how far I've come..I would. I know I cannot, and  must move on, but the fact that I did this on my own power (with  super support from my best friend) is something I want to revel in just a little bit longer. 

I spent the last quarter reviewing what was NOT working in my life. What was driving me crazy, what was giving me stress, what was making me slow down, what was keeping me from connecting to people.  How freeing this was to make  what appeared to be monumental hurdles just disappear with a simple email or a conversation. It's made such a difference in my life in a short period of time. I looked closer inward, to see where else I needed to make changes.

I think being around the corner from 40 makes me review this life a bit more closely, too.  

I've been in therapy to deal with my past traumas, which still haunt me. It has been slow going, and at points very painful and sad. I am so thankful for what this intense therapy has been doing for me. It made me realize that I had things, emotions, situations which were behind big locked doors. Similar to Marley, I was burdened with all the keys to these doors which I had hidden away these memories, but not shelved them properly. I couldn't give away the keys. I certainly couldn't deal with all of these events on my own, and they would saturate my thoughts and cloud my thinking. 

Through this therapy, we have been addressing each issue, one by one, and shelving the memory instead of letting it float. Shelving gives it place, which relieves it of its "ghostly" powers. I have a long way to go, but it has made such an impact and change. I am less burdened with the keys and doors of past pain. 

New Years has been a difficult time for me, too. I had a bad New Year's a few years ago and have let the day slide by without celebrating it since. All I could think about was how this one event had totally ruined my New Years forever. I wanted to punish myself every year by NOT celebrating and not digging up what brought me here.  This year, and very recently,  I have chosen to let go of this memory and replace it with a new one. My boy and I will be going on an adventure, spontaneous and exciting. I have no idea where we will go or what we will do, but I'll be with my son and we're going to celebrate it together. 

“Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams, 
Now I wash the gum from your eyes, 
You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light 
and of every moment of your life” 
― Walt WhitmanLeaves of Grass

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