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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Finding Our Way


As the Grateful Dead crooned, "What a long strange trip it's been....." 

I've been gone for two months, AFTER I said I would be back. I am taking a page from Danielle La Porte, where she says, "Do what you say you're going to do." Right now, I can say I'm going to write a blog post. :) 

I had a personal upheaval in my life as of late. To sum up: I spent a month mourning my life, my path, my journey and wondering what the hell was next. Why didn't I know what was next? The I should have, or I would have or could I have ran rampant in my brain, keeping me up at night, driving me to tears. 

Through out this period of grief, there is Nate. There is always Nate.

There was no good or efficient way for me to deal with this monumental sadness. I was thankful I had a two week vacation at the time. Not planned that way, just seemed to open up to me.  I didn't know how to handle this intense emotional period with him. The last time I had gone through anything like this emotionally was during my divorce, which was 7 years ago when Nate was 3. I didn't have the luxury of hiding in a cave for a year and crying myself silly then.

I didn't grieve my marriage at the time. I "put it in a jar and buried it in the backyard", like you do a dead pet gerbil. You can't really throw it in the trash and you can't keep it stuffed on your mantle. So, you dig a hole and you shove it in there and hope that it never comes up again. 

It always does. It manifests itself somehow, some way, into your life if you don't live that grief. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross knew her shit. Those 5 stages of mourning? No joke. 

During this recent bout, I had to learn to sit with my grief, invite it to tea, offer it cookies and deal with the way that it made me feel. Which was akin to a repeated painful death, over and over and over, with intense crying jags, tension headaches and horrific insomnia. 

All of this AND I had to take care of my son, who was going through some awkward growing pains and emotional tumbleweeds, too. 

I tried my best to not cry or fret in front of him. Fortunately, the gods looked upon me with pity and left this to arrive at 3 AM. The other times that my sadness could not be bottled, I would tell him that I was sad and that I needed a hug. He's very loving and caring, and was there for me when I asked. I was there for him, too, when he requested.

I am in a much different space now, more positive and empowering and less me crying in the fetal position. The situation has changed again, in a direction that I did not expect or even anticipate. My needs have changed, as has my perspective on life and the energy that surrounds it. 

I still do not have any idea where I'm headed, or where I'm supposed to go. I do know I have to keep writing, continue to be aware of my surroundings and be open to what it in front of me, and to be the best I can be; for myself and my boy..

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