Saturday, January 19, 2013


I am in a challenging place in my life right now, but for the first time, I am not afraid of it. 

For the bulk of my existence on this planet, I have spent a good deal of that time drenched in fear. Fear of everything and anything. I tend to hide it well. Being a performer gives me those skills, but underneath that, I can reduce to a quivering mess. 

 Right after my 40th birthday, my whole life turned on its ear. Everything that I  thought I knew, everything that I had believed, everything I had planned was eradicated. I was in a lot of pain. I was also in a lot of denial. My life had essentially been in a holding pattern.  So, I managed to really avoid all the difficult stuff and tried to keep going. 

I stress the word "tried".  
I discovered that I was a little too good at avoiding pain. 

Now, I had done alot to make my life better. I gave up Diet Coke in May of 2012. I went completely cold turkey. I changed a medication to one that was wreaking less of a roller coaster to my system, as my previous one was making me incredibly moody and a lot less fun to be around, especially to Boy Wonder. 
He feeds off of my emotions, both positive and wicked witch like. He had made it known that he didn't like me when I was "cranky". 

I took a class that was required of my major which was called Intro to Human Services, which I thought would go over the basics of Social Services, but it contained many weeks of self reflection and introspection. I had to write a paper a week on a variety of subjects. I found that this was the catalyst for me to desire to want to change things that were not working in my life. 

Late in November, I had a very difficult time with a close friend. We've been estranged for a while and are trying to understand each other's perspectives. It has been one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around, as the relationship is giving me some things, but not everything that I need and want. I was frustrated about where everything was and how could I be doing all of this amazing personal work and this was still the elephant in the middle of my room?

In early December, our class was asked to do one healthy thing to change ourselves. I looked at what I wasn't doing and said, "I'm not getting any exercise." 

Which I HATE. 

I have always had problems with physical exercise, it comes from being heavier in my life. I'm not a gym person. I've tried many things before and none of them have really stuck. I thought of what I could do without any equipment or special clothing. I decided to start walking. 

And I did. 

I would walk for as long as time would allow, and then, I would allot more time. I have missed only 3 or 4 days in the past 8 weeks.  Its like an additional therapy for me.  I'm able to go through things that are perplexing me while I'm pounding the pavement. I've lost 14 lbs since the beginning of December. 

So, what does this all mean?

In a nutshell, I worked to deal with these monumental outstanding issues instead of leaving them to continue to fester.  I finally made a list of things that are functioning in my life and a list of things that are not functioning. I am slowly going through them and am proud of the fact that I am putting the energy behind it. 

We all have super powers. We need to remember that we have them and to use them. 

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