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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Questions for a 40 ish existence



Why is love so easy and yet so hard at the same time? 

 Is it wrong my kid sees my anxiety? Is it wrong that my kid sees me cry?

Why does my son have to deal with the burden of whether or not to tell me the truth sometimes because he fears witnessing my tears? 

Why is telling the truth and/or living your truth sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, ever? 

Why can't I just hide in the imaginary cave I have carved into my cranial matter? 

Why is it that I am a very social and engaging personality but I SUCK at actually BEING social and trying to connect with people?

Why am I afraid of people?

Why am I afraid of love? Being loved? Being wanted?

How will I know when I've forgiven myself?

How will I know when I'm good enough?

How will I know when the repetitive and negative tape recorder in my skull has finally stopped and I can breathe free for one solid minute?

Will there be a day when people don't look at me strangely because of who I AM and just accept me and not judge?

Why are folks frightened and scared of positive and upbeat people like me?

Why don't they tell you about the complicate and rather hidden relationship mindfield map BEFORE you step on the grass?

Where is the social skills tool store? 

Where is the relationship tool store?

Where is the PARENTING tool store?

Why don't they TELL YOU you NEED TOOLS before you go out onto these ventures?

Who ARE THEY and ARE they responsible? 

Will my son know how much I worked and fought like a gladiator for him? 

Do I do it for glory? Do I do it for applause? Validation?

Do I do it because it is what needs to be DONE?

Why can't we have our own validation tickets and WE get to PUNCH them?

Why is coffee so gosh darn good? 

Why can't chocolate not be full of fatty fat goodness?

Will Middle School be kind to my kid? Or is it full of the horror that I see on the news?

Why haven't I found the religious practice for me yet? Why hasn't it found ME? 

Am I completely screwing up my kid?

Will my son have values and be understanding?




2 comments:

  1. I am so glad to see this list--I routinely ask myself many of these questions, and never get any stinking answers! Glad to know others do this, too.

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  2. You are amazing. .always have been. I love you and Nathan to pieces♥ I remember his tinyyyyy little baby face. .so grown up..youve done well. ..very well♡♡ ~tori

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