Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Growing pains

Late August tends gives me anxiety. It's that time where things change whether I like it or not. New schedules, new routines, and now, a new school for the boy. Middle School hangs over us and we're both affected by it.
He's grown physically about an inch since he graduated at the end of June. He's much taller and leaner. He's started the transition from being a boy to being a young man. It's awkward being the female in the household sometimes. It's awkward being the parent of a pre-teen. It still does not compute in my brain how much time FLIES. Wasn't it yesterday he was spinning my rings like a prayer wheel as he fed from his bottle? I get what feels like a meteor just ripped a hole in my chest when I think of it.

I'm trying so HARD not to miss it. It is not lost on this mama that my time with him wanting to hang out with me is potentially if not guaranteed to be limited. I'm not as cool as he would like me to be, but I'm trying different ways of having that good old fashioned "quality time", without it being or feeling forced.

Ice cream helps. We went out the other night and we talked about our family, my family and my parents, whom he has never met. I try to talk about them so that he knows I had parents and wasn't hatched from an alien pod.  We chatted about why he was an only child and how he felt about it. He asked if I wanted another one and I said I had. I had always dreamed of two.

 I had two miscarriages before Nate was conceived (one was particularly hard) and experienced birth trauma after Nate was born. It felt like I had done something wrong to make me not deliver him naturally and had denied us the possibility of siblings. It came out in therapy years later. I didn't explain this to him.

I said, "It was not in the cards for me to have more than one, but I am so grateful the Universe blessed me with you."
He smiled. That's all I needed.

We went away to visit my sister on the Cape this weekend. I rarely get away time during the summer. It's starting to grate on my soul. I can't recall a summer where I wasn't working the entire time. 

Me and my sister. :) 

We drove down early on Saturday and we had such a ball in the 24 hours allotted to us. A visit to the Edward Gorey House.   (Which I have been delaying going to for years)Lunch at Chipotle, playing with her menagerie of animals. A walk on the beach. Dipped cones. Just what summer is about.  It was incredibly refreshing for the both of us. The boy spent a good deal of time with his cousin, laughing, playing, rough housing, eating every bad thing in the house.  I also got 6 loads of laundry done for free. A true vacation. :) 

We left early this morning, as to not get stuck in traffic. I managed to leave my purse at my sister's house, but she caught me just as I was going over the Sagamore bridge, so she met me at the rest stop. (Thank goodness!)

This week he is finishing camp with me at my site, which is a change of pace. He's with peers his age, and they are neurotypical, so a new scenario for him to handle. He's been amazing. He jumped right in. He's fumbled a bit socially and it can be awkward, but a "normal" awkward. None of the kids have come up and asked "What's wrong with him?" or "Why is he so weird?" He's navigated most of the situations on his own. I am there only to assist, not to tell him where to go. That is one my goals in life. To give him the guidance to follow his own path. 

1 comment:

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