Sunday, June 21, 2015

What a long strange trip...

I come back to the place I left a year ago, and I revel in how much have things changed in our lives. I see how much I have learned, and truly, how much I have left to learn. I certainly act like I do know everything about Autism sometimes, and then I get a reality slap. I am humbled, once again. 

I think about Nate and the year he has had. It has been...well...challenging. At some points very low, dark and sad. 7th grade wasn't very kind to him, either emotionally or academically. He struggled. A lot. He is stuck in the maze of adolescence, hormones, and being an Aspie, which makes everything that much more vivid and difficult when attempting to problem solve. He's with me full time at the moment, which is a new situation we are adjusting to. He's working through trauma, which still haunts him. He's afraid he'll be abandoned (I'll talk about that in a minute) and I reassure him that he is always safe with me. This situation is another gem to mine and I must find a way to help him polish it the only way he knows how to be; bright, colorful and loud. Recently, he's become a little happier, more positive and hopeful. My wishes have included him to continue on this path of light. 

My life has changed beyond what I can comprehend. I had a near death experience about three months ago. I had a gastric bleed where I lost over 40% of my blood volume. I ended up in the hospital for 3 days and received over 3 pints of blood and 4 bags of IV fluid. My son was terrified I was never coming back.  My son's father had to be called and he said that Nathan refused to see him and Nathan said he didn't want to see his father. I was bleeding internally and was furiously texting them all, trying to be offense and defense. It drove my anxiety through the roof. I had a panic attack in the hospital. Deep, ragged breaths and heavy tears flowed as the nurse attempted to find another vein in my already tapped out arm. Everything that I had expertly compartmentalized broke open like a cheap pinata. 

I was done. 

Since then, Nathan has been with me, and he is becoming stronger and more confident each day. I support Nathan's choice to be happy and healthy. 

I realized that I had so much negativity clouding me that it was literally making me sick. Being that close to dying, it has changed my perspective completely. I chose to release or change anything that was keeping me loaded in cortisol.  I radically changed my diet. I let go of some very toxic social situations.  I actively made the choice to change, and put myself first. I am so grateful I did. 
I'm writing again (as you can see). I feel there is so much more to say about having a son with Asperger's and how that affects our lives. I hope that you will continue the journey with us.

A very special thank you to my friend Chris who asked, "When is your next book coming out?" :)  

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